Read what happens to the woman who was pleasuring herself while driving

The woman driver of a MINI that recently crashed into the back of a van could at least argue that she wasn’t speeding.

But her excuse that she was using a sex toy whilst behind the wheel will still be enough to put a few points on her license, as well as her face on the front of The Daily Star.

The woman, said to be in her 30s, lurched her little MINI forward whilst in a Gloucestershire traffic jam, causing it to crash into the big van in front.

As she got out of the car, passers by said she was struggling to do up her trousers and still had hold of the incriminating sex toy.

Gee, and all she had to do was leave it inside! Put it down, woman!

Although not exactly. See, after swapping details, the van’s rear camera footage was checked – and there was the revealing evidence in all its glory.

The traffic jam has now gone down in history as The Raunchiest Traffic Jam In Gloucestershire Ever, with porn company Wicked Pictures considering making a film based on the events.

“We will of course add in a few fictional details to spice things up,” said a source. “Gloucestershire is a pretty nondescript place, so we will need some car chases, explosions and lots of silicone and baby oil. The driver will also look more like a jacked-up beefcake who works for an arms company. Of course, after they swap details he lifts her up onto his bonnet. You get the picture.”

The driver, who actually works for M&J Seafood in Cirencester, was said to have been on his first shift and was even fearing the sack.

Thankfully, the footage on the camera saved him and he couldn’t thank the woman enough. Wink wink.

The World’s Cheapest Ever Car Flops Due To Being So Cheap

Tata Group, the Indian company behind the world’s cheapest car, the minuscule Nano, has admitted there were serious errors of judgement made in the branding of the vehicle that led to poor sales.

Calling it the “cheapest” rather than “the most affordable” car has been highlighted as the biggest mistake the brand made, as it alienated consumers who didn’t want to be seen driving around in The World’s Cheapest Car.

“Nano was made to reach out to people, but it never has,” explained Tata Sons chairman Emeritus. “It is meant to be reachable throughout India with our dealerships. But we made a bunch of mistakes.

“(Referring to it as the cheapest car ever) had a negative impact on the car in the market, as people did not want to be seen in the cheapest car.”

When we asked a starving beggar in India if such snobbery on the part of the public disgusted him, he said he wouldn’t be “seen dead” in a Nano.

There were suggestions that buyers could “disguise themselves” when driving a Nano, but few – if any – consumers were willing to entertain these notions.

“You can’t exactly disguise yourself from your 8 children,” said one buyer. “You could even get shot for kidnapping. It isn’t worth it for a Nano.”

Tata also claimed that the poor-selling Nano was designed by a group of folk who had an average age of just 25, but insist that it was still an interesting exercise for a gang of teenagers to try to develop a car that could be purchased for a handful of rupees.

Perhaps next time they should just make a bike.

Tata were also concerned by the fact that they “gave our competitors the opportunity to make some stories about us.”

So, where does the future lie for Tata Group? Some commentators reckon they will simply revise the Nano, stick another seat in the back, slap a few extra rupees on the price tag, and call it Big Daddy.

“Affordable – definitely not cheap.”

Whether they pull the wool over consumers’ eyes is another story. Watch this space.

The Fiat 500 Is More Like A Handbag Than A Car

This week saw the UK launch of the revised Fiat 500, a cute-as-a-button city car that is well known for being chic and trendy.

But is it too chic and trendy?

Indeed, among the usual journalists at the launch of the revised car this week was a wealth of lifestyle media darlings/journalists, many of whom didn’t even have a license.

And when some of them were invited to step inside the revised 500 for a quick spin, they refused.

Hey, they had some cocktails to go and sip!

But the image and the point of the Fiat 500 has been further called into question, after a senior Fiat executive (who is also female) ventured to say recently that the car “is like a handbag.”

Quite what this does to its appeal to the male audience is anyone’s guess.

I can’t imagine your mate Gaz wanting to drive something that has been compared to a handbag.

Still, it’s got to be better than a Lamborghini, which in the past has been likened to being more like a “posse of whores” and “a machine gun” than an actual car.

If such comparisons don’t ruin the Lambo for women, we don’t know what will.

Well, we do but we can’t possibly upload such smut.

Still, Fiat have nothing to worry about despite their car being compared to an accessory. The hip city car has so far shifted 1.5 million copies since its release back in 2007, and enjoyed its peak year in 2014.

In the UK, it even sold a record 44,500 last year.

It has come under criticism for being rather iffy to drive though, with commentators suggesting that its biggest strength is its undeniable chicness.

What else do you expect from a handbag?

Car Salesman Fined For Parking Too Many For-Sale Cars On The Street

A car salesman in Plymouth has been hit with a fine after he parked far too many for-sale vehicles on the same street.

Wayne Moran, aged 57, admitted having three and then two cars parked on Limerick Place.

In a bid to advertise his wares, drum up sales and send his family on holiday, Moran parked two Focuses and a Vauxhall Corsa within just 500 metres of one another.

The judge decided this was too close for comfort and hit Moran with a £240 fine. Moran also has to pay £300 in prosecution costs to Plymouth City Council.

The council said they received several complaints about the cars, which were trading as Phoenix Cars, with one victim claiming the parked cars have caused him and his family “lots of stress”. I’ve had to go on the sick at work. I’m not the same person I used to be.”

In all fairness, advertising cars on a residential street means the dealer is essentially treating it as their own personal car showroom.

True to form, locals have said that they have been unable to walk up and down Limerick Place recently without a car salesman “springing out of the bushes” and offering them a great deal.

“It’s madness,” said a local. “I only went to the shops yesterday and almost bought a second hand Jeep. Only done 8,000 miles but I knew the wife wouldn’t be happy. All she wanted was a loaf.”

Uber Fined By California For Failing To Hand Over Data

In continuing with the “YOU’VE BEEN FINED” theme, U.S. mobile ride service Uber has been charged $7.3 million by California regulators for failing to hand over data that related to their operations.

It had earlier been agreed that Uber would hand over the data, but when it came to the crunch they went on lockdown, threw a hissy fit and said “It’s ours, you can’t have it.”

The data exists to help regulators asses how impactful Uber’s operations really are.

Other mobile ride services, such as Sidecar and Lyft, has complied with handing over their data, with the renegade Uber the only ones to refrain.

They submitted their first report last September but “so much was missing.”

Among the missing data was the number of people who had requested vehicles that were accessible to folk with disabilities. Indeed, both Uber and Lyft have in the past actually been sued for “allegedly” preventing a service to passengers who have wheelchairs and who are blind.

As well as being fined, Uber have had their license to operate suspended. They have 30 days to appeal, and will be allowed to operate as long as they file an appeal within that period.

The latest indiscretion is just a further blot on Uber’s copybook, as the company also refused to hand over data in both Massachusetts and New York.

Geez, what is it with them?

Will Titterington
  • 17th July 2015

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